Movie Night
by EvilSloth
Summary: A bunch of one shots following on from I Did It My Way. This may not make complete sense if you haven't read the initial story. Jasper and Isabella go to visit Peter and Charlotte, lust and immaturity reign.
1. Do Perverts Dream of Inflatable Sheep

_A/N of DOOOOOOM: _

_Hi Guys, came up with a fun idea for a series of one shots. This is just something i'm doing for fun so please dont take it seriously. There will be a lot of stupidity and lemons coming up. I have put this prologue in to give you guys a little more context and establish the situation._

_There will be short ad hoc updates when i can manage it, but i wont be able to update very regularly due to writing other stuff and undergoing a lot of medical treatment._

_So sit back relax...and i really hope at least one person gets the Blade Runner pun in the title ;)_

_SM owns all and she'd probably chase me down if she knew what i was doing to her characters._

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**PROLOGUE: DO PERVERTS DREAM OF INFLATABLE SHEEP**

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JPOV

It had been a few years since we arrived in Volterra. Peter and Char had recently visited for a month long stay, the Cullens were near the 'half way' point into their punishment and Isabella and I had taken care of a number of problems for the Brothers. Times were peaceful and Isabella and I had worked up a decent amount of vacation time.

We were now headed to Montana. Peter and Charlotte's visit had had a strange effect on us. As they had stayed close to our quarters their lust had impacted our sex life significantly. Admittedly, Isabella and I could not have been happier, nor could those around us. The heavy dose of compounded lust from Peter and Char had exploded from us, the mind meld further amplifying the heavy emotion between us to the couples near by. Needless to say Caius was significantly happier since their visit.

Usually I could tame other people's lust, but as I had a venom bond with Peter and strong emotional bond with Charlotte it was nearly impossible to block. After one particularly rough session with my mate I had to find out what the hell they was up to. I walked in on Peter and Char going at it with a pornographic movie playing in the background. Oh shit. I stood there waiting, arms crossed, for them to finish and explain themselves. It kind of backfired when their emotions broke my stoic façade. I had struggled under the weight of their lust, not realising Isabella would be undergoing the same struggle, causing another goddamn amplification.

The final straw was when they climaxed, bringing Isabella and I over the edge with them. Our combined lust was crippling, a vicious cycle of orgasms. Was it possible to orgasm too much? I could have sworn my balls dropped off at one point. Isabella and I had, desperate and shaking, made our way over to each other. We didn't even make it to the bedroom, instead ending up fucking like animals in the hall way. Thank god there very were few people in our wing of the castle.

We had eventually blacked out, but not before thoroughly giving in to our more primitive instincts. The repercussions were swift, the Brother's had ordered us to repair the hall and banned pornographic material during business hours. Apparently, a full business day had passed while we were occupied, furthermore the old VHS player had over heated from Peter's constant rewinding and replaying. He was now expected to replace it and none too happy about it. Nevertheless, he brought a state of the art DVD/ Blu ray player and a crate of new pornographic DVDs to go with it.

These DVDs were currently stashed in the cargo hold of the private Jet. A few members of the guard had "borrowed" the odd movie when they believed we weren't looking, but we still had Peter's favourite; Sheepless in Montana. The plane finally took off. Isabella and I were particularly eager to join the mile high club, Aro made us promise to ensure the plane would be clean when it returned to Volterra. That power of his could be annoying when he was in one of his joking moods.

That thought suddenly brought a realisation. Aro was likely to try one of his pranks, Isabella immediately perked up in response to my insight. Shit. We immediately started looking, trying to work out what he could have done. Knowing him he would have set up video camera's to see our reaction to any of his "fun surprises", Emmett had given him the idea of "Vampire Candid Camera" and introduced him to hidden camera technology.

Carlisle had been on the receiving end of the first prank, it was initiated by Alec's actions in Alaska. Aro had arranged for a dozen long stem roses to be delivered in a marble, nose shaped vase. The other nostril of the vase held a poorly concealed camcorder. Since then his pranks had only gotten worse, and the hidden cameras were better concealed.

Isabella ran to the kitchenette. Bingo. Coffee, tea and sugar packets had been replaced with flavoured condoms. I immediately cringed, we had tried using them once. Emmett had talked us into using them to assist our love making, I should have paid more attention to his emotions. The awful taste of the latex and flavoured lubricant lingered for days, even scrubbing with steel wool didn't help. Neither Isabella and I were happy about going so long without oral sex. I had gotten my revenge though. Dropping a tub of flavoured lubricant over him while he was in the shower and shutting off the water to his room. Rose didn't go near him for days. Aro had a good laugh about that.

Isabella moved on to investigate the shelves. The coffee and tea pots were full of lubricant and massage oil. Typical. The fridge was fully stocked with sex toys and the oven held fluffy handcuffs. Super. At least we could use the hand cuffs and toys. I went to the over head compartment where our carry on luggage was located. I figured I should check if anything else had been tampered with.

I carefully opened my bag. Of course…my hand luggage had been replaced with STD pamphlets. I shrugged and announced "thank you Aro, you're too kind". He was bound to hear my response when he played back the tapes. I heard Isabella's laughter and checked through the Soul bond/mind meld. An inflatable sheep. "What do you think Jazz? Belated Christmas Present for Peter?" An idea popped into my head. I grabbed the sheep as well as the lubricant filled coffee pot and opened the air plug. I carefully poured the lubricant into the inflatable sheep.

Once that was done I emptied the pamphlets from my carry on bag and put the sheep and condoms in the bag for Peter. We took our time folding the pamphlets into various origami animals and set them all over the plane. Thank god we didn't have to go through customs. No one, human or immortal, would look in our direction thanks to the Volturi connections.

Isabella's bag was full of pamphlets on Erectile Dysfunction, we added more animals to our origami zoo. Then put the handcuffs and a few of the refrigerated marital aides in her bag. The plane had finally landed. We disembarked, winking to the cabin knowing somewhere a camera would be recording our exit. It had been an eventful journey, but the bull shit was only just beginning. Peter probably already 'knew' all of this shit. Maybe we should just buy a private island instead.

_No dice, Jazz. They'd only follow us. Although it would be nice to have somewhere just for us._

_I agree Darlin, maybe we could put traps all over the island so no one else can come near it? _

_Aro would still see all the traps and it would probably provoke him into worse action_

_Fuck, you're right. _

Getting into the black SUV we headed straight for Peter and Charlotte's ranch. The ride from Stanford Airport was quiet, the calm before the storm. Pulling up we noticed workmen leaving, amusement was coming from all of them. Our crate of DVDs had arrived ahead of us. "Ah, I see Emmett showed Aro how to use photo shop". I did a double take at Isabella's words. "Holy mother of God. What the FUCK?"

Peter came out of the house laughing, "good likeness, isn't it Major?" Someone, probably Aro, had expanded the cover of the Beverly Hills Cock DVD to approximately three feet across. Worse still, they had photo shopped mine and Isabella's face onto the new label.

Peter was doubled over while Char was trying to hold in her giggles. I opened up the duffle bag with Peter's gifts, pulled out the sheep and said "Aro sends his love". I hit him with the sheep as hard as I could. It exploded like a water balloon, covering most of Peter and several feet around him in lubricant.

Let the fuckery begin.


	2. I Have Come To Clean Zee Pool

**Here's another chapter :) Lame porn and lemons ahead! SM owns the characters, at least i dont fade to black. Poolboysper FTMFW!**

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**Chapter 1 : I Have Come To Clean Zee Pool**

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BPOV

I still couldn't believe how much had changed. I had really come along way from the timid 17 year old human virgin. Thank god. Vampires were sexual creatures and boy did my mate and I explore that side of ourselves, a lot. I had been keen to re-enact that time in the hall when Petey and Char had enhanced our emotions.

If my blood had been Edward's heroin, Jasper's body was mine. All I could think about was the lean muscles of his chest and stomach which all seemed to draw the eye to his bulging cock. The rough texture of his skin contrasting incredibly with the gentleness of his touch. The way his hair would tickle me as he kissed and nibbled his way down my torso…

A knock at the door broke me from my trance, my hand had been slowly creeping south. Fuck, Charlotte was giving me a raised eyebrow from the arm chair opposite "I thought you were about to give me a show Iz." I flipped her off, we had been waiting for our mates who were working on a surprise for us. I had been really tempted to peek through the Soul Bond, but I kept myself in check. All I knew was that it had something to do with pornography.

We scrambled to the door. Opening it we saw Jasper and Peter dressed in tight white pants and t-shirts, we tried not to giggle when we noticed they were wearing fake moustaches. In unison they affected a cheesy accent "we have come to clean zee pool". Charlotte grabbed Peter's hand and dragged him upstairs to the bath. I struggled to hide my smile as I dragged Jasper to the lake.

"Naughty pool boy, you're not wearing your uniform" I slapped his backside, then growled as I ripped off his clothing. "That's better, aren't you more comfortable like that?"

"Yes, ma'am" I raised an eye brow, he was not allowed break character. I would be the bored housewife having my way with the naughty pool boy. Jasper had the sense to look bashful and pout. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen, however I didn't have time to dwell on how adorable his pout was. I had a naked Jasper standing in front of me, wearing a fake moustache.

I stood ogling for a short while. Slowly dragging my eyes from his strong calve muscles, up his legs towards his very lickable cock… my eyes bugged out "you shaved?" I gasped. Maintaining character he replied "apparently it makes it look bigger. I thought it would break you from the drudgery of watching me do my chores and viewing Oprah"

"You thought right". I slowly circled around him, absorbing every inch of his naked body. Dear god, that firm backside was going to be the death of me.

I flittered close to him and grabbed his cock firmly. I licked up his neck, enjoying the shiver than ran down his spine. Trailing my fingernails over him as I tugged him lightly, teasingly, I felt him twitch in my hand. "Naughty boy, you'll cum when I tell you to." I stepped away from him, a frustrated Jasper was as fun as an irritable grizzly. "Undress me Pool Boy" I ordered, in a blink I was standing bare before him, our bodies nearly touching. His fingers grazed my nipples, he leaned close to my ear and whispered "is that better my dear?" My hands found his hips and I thrust my pelvis into his "you tell me Honey." I was no longer the bored housewife and he was no longer the naughty pool boy.

Our lips crashed together as we desperately groped every part of the other's body we could grasp. With his hands on my breasts we tumbled back, causing him to land between my legs. He instantly thrust into me, hard, balls deep. We growled in unison as he pounded me deeper into the sand around the lake. I tried to flip him over, wanting to ride him just as hard in return, but he grabbed my arms and held them above my head thrusting harder as I tried to regain control.

He nipped my ear lobe and trailed kisses down my neck, my attempts to over power him were just adding to the momentum of our thrusts. I was getting close, I could feel myself beginning to clench around him. He stopped moving inside me and kept me pinned to the ground as I tried to find friction. I looked up to his face, seeing his smirk "you'll cum when I tell you to Gorgeous." Oh shit!

He restrained both my hands in one of his and used the other hand to tease a trail over every part of my body. "A frustrated Isabella is almost as fun as an irritable grizzly" he had his eyebrow raised. I gasped out "oh fuck, please Jasper. Fuck me"

"are you having fun, Isabella?"

"Fuck yes! Just please for the love of god and all that is holy, FUCK ME!" I screamed, he started nipping me all over, slowly building me up again. He ignored my whimpers and my squirming as he passed over the more sensitive areas. He brushed his torso against my nipples, nearly sending me over the edge. He kept smirking at me, clearly enjoying my sexual torture.

He held himself steady, just an inch away from contact with my body, and slowly lowered his lips to mine. I hungrily returning his kiss, still pleading with him for more. The kiss became more heated, distracting me until I felt him roughly enter me again. I screamed in pleasure with every new, hard thrust. We were speeding towards climax fast than ever. I felt us explode together, both of us roaring in ecstasy.

"Fuck" I exclaimed in relief and heard his breathless chuckle. Our clothes were completely unsalvageable, scraps of cloth were littered around us. I plucked the ridiculous moustache off Jasper's face, he shrugged and stood up, lifting his arm for me to loop mine around his. We made our way back to the house naked. Peter and Char had seen us naked plenty of times. Hell, they would be just as naked.

As we crossed the threshold we noticed a new water feature in the house. The stairs had been turned into a waterfall. Glancing at each other we ran to our room to check for water damage, we struggled against the lust emanating from Peter and Charlotte. Thankfully our room had remained safe so far. We relocated a few items likely to be destroyed, quickly dressed and went to survey the damage.

The bath was destroyed, pipes were exposed through the broken plaster of the wall. The taps were bent at an odd angle and water was gushing a crack on the other wall. We could hear Petey and Char fucking in their room next door. Jasper turned to me "we should probably evacuate for a bit. Want to see a movie?" I nodded, not wanting to get talked into helping with the clean up.

We headed out, cringing as we saw Peter's fake moustache on the door knob. I was going to avoid touching anything in here until everything had been thoroughly bleached.


	3. School of Cock

**I'm sorry it's been so long. I have no excuse except to say I have the attention span of a kitten with ADD. Anyhoo, i promise the next chapter will be very good. Already writted a small part of it :D**

**Anyhoo, as usual SM knows everything, but she'd choke on her saliva if she saw what i was doing with it.**

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Chapter 2 : School of Cock

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JPOV

There was a new rule to our Movie Night sexcapades: No water related roleplay in the house. Isabella and I moved into a hotel for a few days while Peter and Char took care of the damage. Needless to say we were now banned from the Hilton and had to pay thousands of dollars for the damage we caused by recreating the Pool Boy night in the spa.

At least we didn't have to fix the damage. We had watched about five percent of Peter's pornographic DVD collection so far. That equated to 80 DVDs. I never thought I'd ever get tired of porn but alas it had happened. Watching back to back movies since arriving was grating on my nerves, the only respite we got was the Movie Nights where we acted out something we had watched.

It was Isabella's turn tonight, Peter and I were watching Buffy the Vampire Layer while I was waiting for my mate to rescue me from the drudgery of porn. As soon as I heard her arriving I sprinted, opening the door just before she could knock. Her hair was in platted pig tails and she wore the tightest fucking schoolgirl uniform I had ever seen. The buttons were straining against her breasts.

Venom flowed down my chin. I love movie night. She gently tapped my jaw shut and lead me to the library while Char lead Peter to the lounge room. Good, hopefully they would roll into the crate of DVDs and destroy them. I was pushed down into a chair and straddled by Isabella, her dress riding up. "I understand you want to see me, Principal Whitlock"

"God yes"

"Did I do something wrong?" Isabella was now whispering in my ear, brushing her lips against my earlobe and sending shudders down my spine. She lightly bit at my ear, causing me to hiss.

She leaned back in my lap, grinding herself against me in the process "is something the matter, Principal Whitlock?"

"Very" I tried not to let my voice waiver as I got into character. She was in trouble now. "I understand you water bombed your Math teacher's car, young lady"

"He gave me an F. Principal Whitlock" she leaned forward, smothering me with her tits as she pulled something from behind the chair I was seated in. An old fashioned, long metal ruler. I could see where this was going, I smiled baring my teeth at her. I felt her lust increase and the shiver that ran down her spine.

I brushed my hands down her shoulders, ghosting over her nipples and down her torso until I grabbed her hips. I gently pushed her off my lap and stood close to her. After sending her a jolt of lust I circled around her, stalking, sniffing and teasing her. "What should I do to you, Isabella?" Her breath came in ragged gasps "anything you want, Principal Whitlock."

I smirked, knowing exactly how I could punish her. I grabbed her by the back of the neck, drawing her to me. I crashed my lips to hers and ground myself against her again, then released her in a daze. "You're a very naughty school girl Ms Whitlock." She nodded, unable to speak. "Bend over the desk" I ordered, smirking when she wobbled slightly as she walked.

I nearly lost it when she bent over the desk, she wasn't wearing underwear. I chanted to myself, trying to draw out our game. Play first, fuck later. I held the ruler, walking up to her slowly, sending her more lust. I wasn't going to go easy on her. I cupped her backside in my hand, teasing, while I simultaneously rubbed the ruler over her curves.

As I brushed the ruler past her nipples I felt them harden. She pressed harder against my hand in a fruitless search for more friction. I ran my teeth down the back of her dress, tearing it open. I dropped to my knees and leant under her, burying my face in her folds. I lapped at her clit, enjoying the jolt of energy that rocketed through her body with each lick.

Just as she was about to climax I moved away and stood up. She turned to me looking at me incredulously, I pointed to her silently ordering her to bend over the desk again. I silently removed my jeans using her peripheral vision to make her think I was going to spank her with the ruler. I swung back, enjoying how the muscles along her back tensed in anticipation. As she closed her eyes I swung the ruler, hitting the desk sharply as I thrust into her. The loud snap of metal against wood caused her to clench around me in shock a nanosecond after I entered her.

It was a pleasant surprise for both of us, although the desk was in less than perfect shape. Isabella's hand print was engraved in the wood, millimetres from where the ruler was thoroughly embedded. Isabella looked at the desk in shock, so I thrust deep into her. She broke out of her shock with a moan. That's my girl. I thrust into her harder and harder.

The desk moved with us, its legs snapping under the rapid movement. The new angle causing me to enter her deeper. We would definitely be breaking more desks in the future. Isabella moved faster against me, I grabbed her hips so I wouldn't get bumped across the room. We crashed against each other harder than ever before, I started twitching and felt her fluttering.

We were extremely close. With one last thrust the desk broke, our climaxes causing us to join it in pieces on the ground. We would definitely be getting a large stock of desks for personal use.


	4. Now for something completely different

**Sorry for the delay, here's a good one ;) SM Owns everything yadda yadda yadda**

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**Chapter 3: And now for something completely different**

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JPOV

After much protestation Peter had agreed to having a break from pornography. Instead he chose a Monty Python-a-thon. Surprisingly, the bare breasted women chasing a man off a cliff didn't cause the usual stir of boredom I had recently begun to associate with porn. Peter and I looked at each other. Monty Python Movie Night.

Isabella started laughing, having heard the thought cross my mind through the soul bond. _Now, now Darlin, no peaking. This is for movie night._

_I wouldn't dream of it Honey, I cant wait to see what you guys come up with._

_Don't tell Char_ I gave her a pointed look to show I meant business. She nodded.

The next night Peter and I knocked on the door after getting dressed in the woods. He had arranged the outfits. I had been thankful mine was a simple plaid shirt, overalls and an axe. He had tried to get me to wear women's underwear underneath, but I refused. I had enough of that shit with Alice, I also hadn't worn underwear since the first Whitlock Bonfire.

There was no sight funnier than watching a man trying to get into a full sized parrot costume naked. I now understood why he wanted me in women's underwear. I sighed "Peter, I'll allow one G-string, nothing else" this game hinged on us being true to character. The fucker had one of course. I quickly put it on, instantly regretting it as it gave my balls a wedgie like nothing ever had before. I was no ordinary lumberjack.

Getting dressed was an ordeal, I was feeling unbelievably silly and hesitant to knock on the door. Peter rolled his eyes and knocked for us. I was lucky I wasn't human, I would be blushing. I never thought I'd live to see the day where I would be wearing women's underwear and standing next to a man in a parrot suit.

The door opened, Isabella's face paled slightly. I started to worry we had gone too far, until she doubled over in laughter. Char had already pounced on Peter and was thoroughly fucking him through the suit. I knew she was an avid bird watcher, but I now understood why Peter had chosen that particular sketch. Weird.

Isabella grinned and yelled to Char "Keep him pining for the Fjords!" Swiftly receiving the bird from Peter and Char, they didn't stop thrusting once. She dragged me into the woods, clearly we would be doing some logging. Isabella turned, pinning me against a tree. "Now, my little lumberjack. Strip!" I swayed my hips, adding the odd thrust as I slowly peeled off my clothes. I mentally prepared myself as I took off the red plaid shirt, and pushed down the overalls. "No bra, Jazz?" I chuckled, glad she wasn't paralysed with laughter.

I went to remove the g-string but she stopped me. Dropping to her knees in front of me and licking up the satin front of the g-string. Maybe they weren't so bad after all. She nipped at the sides, breaking the material, I watched them float to the ground, sighing in relief at my uninhibited nuts. Now I know how rodeo bulls feel.

My thoughts were interrupted by Isabella engulfing my cock in her mouth. I yelped in surprise, but recovered from the shock as she lapped at me. God, I love her mouth. I started losing coherency as she sucked harder, gripping my hips so I wouldn't thrust too hard. I was twitching like crazy, the warmth of her mouth almost driving me over the edge. I held back knowing she would surprise me if I did.

Just as I was about to give in she gentle tugged on my balls, I exploded into her mouth. My knees shook and I let out a roar, panting as I recovered. Our eyes were pitch black. I cupped her breast and knelt down in front of her, kissing down her neck and thrusting against her clothes. My hands wandered over her, trailing ecstasy over her body. She was already panting hard, I could feel her climax building, it was too soon for that. I stopped thrusting, concentrating on all the other sensitive areas, licking from the crook of her neck, down her collarbone. Nipping the inside of her arms, running my nails gently down her back and then laying open mouth kisses over her breasts, flicking her nipples with my tongue.

She was growling and trying to thrust, when I didn't move against her she started rubbing her hand against herself. I really wanted to enjoy the show, but I grabbed her hands in one of mine and removed her clothing as she writhed on the ground. I smacked her backside, enjoying the moan that accompanied it. She stilled, bare and spread eagled before me. I swirled my tongue around her belly button and down her mound, she was shaking and desperate for more.

When I finally reached her clit she nearly climaxed straight away. I drew back, she growled and used her free hand to grab my hair and tug me back into place. I lapped at her, buried my tongue in her and plunged my fingers in her. Building her up repeatedly. She came hard, causing my dick to twitch as she screamed and growled.

I picked her up and impaled her on my cock. I had to be inside her, she clenched around me again as I twitched and thrust hard into her. I held her hips, forcing them down on to me as she came again and again. I was aching, too close to climax but enjoying her clenching around me repeatedly. I couldn't hold it in any longer, releasing as she clenched yet again. I used my power to drag out the final orgasm between us.

Energy was practically crackling off us as we slowed and collapsed against each other. "How many was that?"

"I think I got you to climax about 7 times"

"That's a new record" she beamed. "Actually the best record was extending the last climax to 10 minutes long." She giggled breathlessly. "I'm glad you chose the Parrot sketch and not the fish slapping dance." I nodded, that was a bit too weird for me. We lay looking up at the stars, naked and exhausted. I had definitely gained a new appreciation for British Comedy.


	5. The Policemen's Balls

_I'm a bad Nads, I'm a very bad Nads. So sorry for the not so short hiatus. We're talking epic amounts of writer's block and sleep deprivation. As a consequence this will be the last chapter of Movie Night. Again, i prostrate myself before you! _

_As usual SM creates, owns and lords over all things sparkley, I am shamelessly, yet not intentionally illegally, using some characters for things that may go against the orginal plot._

_Onwards to sleep deprived ramblings!_

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CHAPTER 5: THE POLICEMEN'S BALLS

JPOV

The porn collection had fallen into limbo, right next to our ski's, Halloween costumes, wood carving attempts and Peter's fucking creepy collection of cross-dressing gnomes. Our garage was now complete stocked with useless shit. With unlimited time and unlimited money came unlimited junk.

Peter was keen to sell everything on eBay so we left if up to him, we haven't heard from him for weeks. It's been fucking peaceful.

The sound of tires hitting our gravel driveway alerted us to a visitor, just as Peter ran from the room yelling "run fuckers it's the po po." Fucking typical. Iz started packing basic essentials for the two of us while I called Jenks ordering him to investigate what the fuck happened and deal with it, Char packed what she could while grabbing the stack of fake identification documents from the safe.

We only just escaped, as the cruisers skidded outside our front door we blurred out of sight to the surrounding forest. We didn't stop running until we reached the next state. Char handed Iz and I our new identities and told Peter to "fix it or else."

We checked into the hotel under our new identities while Peter left us to cool off.

PPOV

I didn't envy the Major's gift right now, Char was practically glowing with rage. I wandered around, I hadn't hunted in a while so my eyes were fairly dark. Now or never I guess. I walked into the local mall, thankfully they had a shop with coloured contacts. Picking up a few pairs of bright green contacts I set about looking for lunch, thankfully it didn't take long.

I could hear the sounds of a child struggling against someone, the smell of adrenaline sweetening his blood. The scent trail lingered in the loading bay, where a white van was located. A tall bulky man held the struggling child and whispered threats in his ear. I hit the back of his head, knocking him out. "Run now kid, find a security guard." The kid stumbled away, a look of relief and fear on his face. The heap of useless skin who had tried to take the child lay unconscious at my feet, I unceremoniously dragged him into an unused room. He started coming too very quickly, I crushed his windpipe, bit into him and drained him as fast as I could.

Covering him in a small amount of venom I set fire to his corpse, the concrete floor would be damaged, but there wasn't enough fuel for the fire to spread, especially with security alerted. Popping in the new contacts I sprinted away to safety. Unfortunately, I hadn't paid attention to where I was going. I slowed down and went to find a main road.

SHIT!

Clearly my mind was on fucking autopilot and decided to wander in the direction of the house. Fortunately, the pretty flashing lights had alerted me before I slammed into one of the donut munching fascists.

How was I to know it would be illegal to re-badge the porn as Spongebob Squarepants. It made perfect sense fiscally, after all they sold quicker when labelled Spongebob rather than Anal Blast 3. I would have thought parents would be happy, access to porn without the guilt of buying it knowingly. So uptight, they should have used it as an instruction manual.

I can't help but wonder; if the police are at the house, does that mean the police station is empty? What are the chances I can just mosey in and change a few things? Still I need to be smart about this, cant go in there looking like me. I hopped into the trees, quietly making my way closer to the house. Hopefully I can get inside without anyone's notice.

The police crawled everywhere, one fat fucker was holding my favourite gnome "who the fuck does this to GARDEN GNOMES?" Honestly, these cops are philistines! Those little bastards are works of fucking art. I should write to the commissioner . The cop in our bedroom moves on, now's my chance. Jumping through the window I grab the first thing my hands touch and out I go, no one can suspect me now hehe.

Of course I should have paid more attention to what I was grabbing. Still this dress of Char's will fit me. Next stop the drug store! Lucky for me it's a windy day and one old bird has lost her scarf, one head covering coming up. Now in my experience people tend not to question old ladies with too much make up, I need to look as old as I actually am and bingo, no one will suspect a thing.

Bright purple lipstick, green eye shadow and pink rouge to match the dress and voila: Petrella is born. As I hobble over to the cop shop I wonder if maybe I should have gone for sexy instead of Elderly Clown. I could pull off a pair of daisy dukes and a bikini top, although it would be suspicious in this cold weather and I would probably be arrested for solicitation again. Not fun.

The station looks deserted aside from a crusty old fellow at the front desk, maybe I can work the sexy angle after all. I make my voice shaky and deep, it's a fine line to walk, the sexy/old voice. "Hey honey, got something hot for me?" The man does a double take, of course I'm too irresistible. I hear a snort, his face goes red and he starts shaking, oh damn, I think I've given him a seizure with my hotness. I should have toned down the cleavage. I try giving him the Heimlich manoeuvre, he starts screaming "get off, get off me sir, my bread's not buttered that way!"

AGAIN! Again, I am arrested for solicitation, how was I supposed to know he was trying not to laugh? Christ, they're all fucking fascists here. Times like this I miss Volterra, Aro would have laughed his ass off. Jenks has already been summoned and has the pixel fiddling hackers adjusting my record as mentally ill. Apparently, the last mental health warning had gone past it's statute of limitations and not been added to my other identities.

I can feel nausea and pain. This is Jasper's warning that I'm going to be punched in the nuts. Usually this warning only last's for a millisecond, Jas must be annoyed at me as well judging by the length of this warning. I don't know what his problem is, maybe the girls got to him.

Judging by the strength of emotion coming from Jas I can't help but wonder if I've made Char angry enough to change colour. I had to give up trying to make her face red with anger decades ago, funnily enough I had been able to conduct simultaneous experiments of Vampiric Colour Change Due To Extreme Stress, Aro had been very interested in my work.

Along with trying to make Char's face red with anger I had also been able to see whether my scrotum would become blue due to lack of sex. Funnily enough it did turn a nice shade of Robin's Egg blue, where as Char's cheeks remained light, even after feeding.

As the keys jangled in the cell door, the pain reached a crescendo. Char's face still hadn't changed colour, but I had a feeling Robin's Egg blue was in my future. "Aro wants us back, there's a problem with the Romanians again. We're leaving straight away, there's no time to change or pack"

"But Char, what about the rest of my stuff?"

"What the police left behind was sent as a care package to Jacob Black, with a copy of your mug shot, I hope he imprints on you."


End file.
